Previously on ERP Survivor…
Dramatic music plays as we see a montage of conference rooms, whiteboards covered in process diagrams, and people staring intensely at computer screens
Narrator Voice: “Twelve departments. One ERP system. Six months to implementation. Only the strongest business processes will survive.”
Meet Your Contestants
The Tribes
The Spreadsheet People (Finance Tribe)
- Linda “The Excel Empress” - Has a personal relationship with every VLOOKUP function ever written
- Dave “Macro Man” - Believes every business problem can be solved with a 47-tab Excel workbook
- Sarah “Sum-If Savant” - Speaks in formulas and dreams in pivot tables
The Legacy System Loyalists (Operations Tribe)
- Bob “The Database Whisperer” - Has been using the same inventory system since 1987 and sees no reason to change
- Carol “Custom Code Queen” - Has personally written 47 different workarounds for the current system
- Mike “Migration Mike” - Convinced that data conversion will definitely work perfectly the first time
The ERP Evangelists (IT Tribe)
- Jennifer “Integration Jenny” - Believes ERP will solve world hunger and achieve world peace
- Tom “Best Practices Tom” - Has memorized the vendor’s implementation methodology and quotes it at parties
- Alex “API Alex” - Thinks every problem can be solved with the right connector
Episode 1: The Alliance of the Spreadsheet People
The Challenge: Requirements Gathering
Host: “Today’s challenge is Requirements Gathering. Each tribe must document their current business processes and identify what they need from the new ERP system. The tribe with the most comprehensive and realistic requirements wins immunity from the first round of scope creep.”
Finance Tribe Strategy Session
Linda (Excel Empress): “Okay, people, we need to be strategic here. The new system needs to do everything our spreadsheets do, but faster.”
Dave (Macro Man): “And it needs to automatically generate our month-end reports, quarterly forecasts, budget variance analysis, and that special report Linda created for the CEO that shows profit by phase of the moon.”
Sarah (Sum-If Savant): typing frantically “I’m documenting all 247 of our Excel templates. Should I include the backup copies and the backup copies of the backup copies?”
Linda: “Of course! And make sure to mention that the system needs to support our color-coding system. Red means urgent, yellow means Linda needs to review it, and green means… well, we’re not sure what green means, but we’ve been using it for twelve years.”
Operations Tribe Panic Mode
Bob (Database Whisperer): “This is a disaster. The ERP people are saying we can’t customize the inventory module to match our current system exactly.”
Carol (Custom Code Queen): “But what about our special process for handling back-ordered items that were originally pre-ordered but then got re-ordered during the seasonal adjustment period?”
Mike (Migration Mike): “Don’t worry, I’m sure the data conversion will handle all our special cases. I mean, how hard could it be to migrate 30 years of data from a system that was customized by seventeen different programmers who all left the company without documentation?”
Bob: staring into the distance “We had a good system. A simple system. You could fix it with a screwdriver and a can of compressed air.”
IT Tribe’s Overconfidence Hour
Jennifer (Integration Jenny): “This is going to be amazing! Once we implement the ERP system, all our data will flow seamlessly between departments, eliminating manual processes and creating a single source of truth!”
Tom (Best Practices Tom): consulting his implementation binder “According to the vendor’s methodology, Phase 1.3.2.B clearly states that we’ll achieve 47% efficiency gains in the first quarter.”
Alex (API Alex): “And if anything doesn’t work perfectly, I’ll just write a custom integration. How long could that take? A weekend, maybe two tops.”
Jennifer: “I love how optimistic we are. It’s going to be smooth sailing from here!”
The Plot Twist: Reality Strikes
Host: “Attention contestants! We have a special surprise. Today’s guest judge is… drumroll …an actual ERP consultant who has seen this all before!”
Guest Judge (ERP Veteran): chuckles knowingly “Well, well, well. Let me guess - Finance wants the new system to work exactly like Excel, Operations wants to keep their current processes unchanged, and IT thinks this will be wrapped up in six months with no issues.”
Uncomfortable silence
Guest Judge: “Here’s your first reality check: Every one of you will need to change how you work. Your processes will need to be redesigned. Your Excel templates will become obsolete. Your custom workarounds will be replaced by standard functionality. And it’s going to take twice as long and cost 40% more than you budgeted.”
Linda (Excel Empress): hyperventilating “But… but… my macros!”
Bob (Database Whisperer): muttering “I knew this was a bad idea.”
Jennifer (Integration Jenny): still optimistic “But think of the efficiency gains!”
The Alliance Forms
Narrator: “Faced with the harsh realities of ERP implementation, unlikely alliances begin to form…”
Camera shows Linda and Bob huddled in the break room
Linda: “Listen, Bob, I know we’ve had our differences about month-end reconciliation, but we need to stick together on this.”
Bob: “You’re right. They’re trying to eliminate everything we’ve built over the years. My inventory system may be old, but at least it works!”
Linda: “Exactly! And my Excel reports may be complex, but they give management exactly what they need to see.”
Bob: “So we’re agreed? We’ll push for minimal changes to our current processes?”
Linda: “Deal. The Alliance of the Spreadsheet People is born!”
They shake hands as dramatic music plays
The Immunity Challenge Results
Host: “After reviewing all the requirements documents, I have to say… this is going to be interesting. Finance submitted a 47-page document that basically says ‘make the ERP system work like Excel but with more colors.’ Operations provided a flowchart so complex it requires a magnifying glass and a degree in engineering to understand. And IT submitted a one-page document that simply says ‘implement best practices and achieve digital transformation.’”
Guest Judge: “I’ve seen this before. You know what happens next?”
Everyone: “What?”
Guest Judge: “The real fun begins when you try to reconcile these requirements with what the software actually does.”
Next Episode Preview
Fast-paced montage of dramatic scenes
Narrator: “Next week on ERP Survivor… The tribes face their first major challenge: System Configuration! Will the Alliance of the Spreadsheet People survive the dreaded ‘Standard Chart of Accounts’? Can Operations adapt to ‘Best Practice Workflows’? And will IT’s confidence survive the first user acceptance testing session?”
Cut to dramatic scene
Linda (Excel Empress): staring at ERP screen “Where’s the color coding?! WHERE’S THE COLOR CODING?!”
Bob (Database Whisperer): to camera “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to keep my inventory system working exactly the way it’s always worked.”
Tom (Best Practices Tom): frantically flipping through vendor documentation “This isn’t in the implementation guide! This isn’t in the implementation guide!”
Narrator: “Who will be eliminated first? Find out next week on… ERP Survivor!”
Producer’s Notes
This satirical series is based on real ERP implementations and actual office dynamics observed across dozens of organizations. While the characters are fictional, their struggles are painfully real. No spreadsheets were harmed in the making of this episode.
Disclaimer: If you recognize your organization in this episode, remember that the first step to ERP recovery is admitting you have a process problem.
Stay tuned for Episode 2: “The Great Chart of Accounts Debate” where Linda discovers that the new system doesn’t support her 47 different project codes, and Bob learns that “best practices” might not include his legendary “emergency override procedure.”
